The Miracle Drug – An Epic


 

When I came to Trivandrum, Kerala, the god’s own country, the most beautiful person came to me and whispered, “Will you love me? Will you give me a dream, o’ dream peddler? Will you lend me one? Will you teach me how to dream? I have never known how to dream, I have always had nightmares. I have always been a coward in life. I have always been more than an ideal daughter. I have always learnt to go by my family’s wishes.”

 

A certain Anamika Chatterjee , angel eyes to me, a sweetheart who’s claims that she doesn’t like sweets. A Rajasthani veggie who always told me that between her and me always came the chicken burger. Sigh! A simple girl married to her commitment, married to her life, she never belonged to. Married more to her diamond ring than the person who gave it to her. It’s all about her, finding a life, living that life, and then to see that beautiful life die a painfully slow death right in front of her.

 

Even when I am writing this piece of article I am holding the phone, with angel eyes at the other end, all silent, we can’t find anything to talk about. All silence. I have been holding the phone like this since the last 1 hour. I have told her about 100 times to sleep off, but she just wants to listen to me – breathe!

 

24th September, 2007. The first day of my professional life.

 

Every niche and corner of the auditorium is filled with nervous freshers, mind full of apprehension and ambition. Doubts, uncertainties, satisfaction, hungry yet foolish. I took my place, in a certain last row, beside a rascal, but not a scoundrel (as he claims, which I later came to know). No one knew what to expect next, in this big bad world of corporate salvation. Furtive glances, darting eyes, here and there. Guy talks, under the hood of corporate veil. Out of the blue, I saw an angel, in purple, walking away briskly. She was beautiful. With her shoulder length black hair, tied loosely, in a perfect corporate look. She didn’t even spare a glance for me. Elegance on her heels, arrogance in her rising breath, attitude for me, the survival instinct for her.

 

As I continue this epic of 2 months, I wish I could stop time. This has been a lifetime for me. I have never felt such a fear for my future; I have never thought about anybody, I have never cried for any person except me. I don’t wish the night to pass, to hear her breathe, to hear her soft whispers, to send a shiver down my spine, to feel that I want her and only her in this wretched life of mine. Not a third person, but in my smallest of dreams, intricately weaved, married to my soul, till the last breath

 

The first day I talked to her, I felt that she has more to, than that she shows. I never had a clue as to why I had this feeling. But deep down, I anticipated something else, other than what I heard and saw. Something about her, made me feel that I should change he way I looked at her. But I failed to see the 3 pronged diamond rings that shone like crazy in the twilight sun. I wished to remove the mask of professionalism from her face, and see her sunflower smile, that made my heart skip several beats. Whenever I looked at her eyes, all my poetries came to me, swarming in, poking me, happy, and exhilarating. I just told her, “angel, would you let me kill you? Kill you with my words?” she just looked at me, in silence and batted her eyelids, once. I would never forget that moment. Picture perfect. I knew I didn’t have anything but words to offer, but I never regretted that. I weaved the words for her, from every corner of my world, and spun a dream for her. I wanted to see every dream for her, till that day she had the eyes to see them for herself. I had lost love before. I knew it wouldn’t matter me, 6 months, 1 year, 2 year and I would time by my side. I had done it innumerable times. I would have the moon by my side, to cover me with the borrowed luminescence to soothe me when I am sad, a motherly love emanating. I really didn’t want to go any far. But she was destined to meet me and fall in love with me. It was her destiny that I would be her god’s gift to her. And I obliged. I fell in love. Totally drunk.

 

Sometimes I fear dreaming for her. I get lost in her eyes. I loose myself from my own dreams. I told her, “There’s nothing called the wrong. I told her to get out of her school book freedom, and imagine. But I feared that I would give her an impossible dream. A wish that would simplify her life so much, that the trauma would be beyond expectation, and what if I leave her mid way? My greatest fears would come true. I would never want that.

 

She once told me, “She wanted me to kill her, because she never had the guts to accept me, she never had the guts to go more than this “life of 2 months” she told me that I deserve somebody better, who would not fear dreaming along with me, till the last breath, who would not ashamed to hold my hands in front of everyone” I still didn’t find an answer to her fear and I never commented on this. I knew that she can’t choose “life” before “commitment” I knew that the slip between dreams and the reality is the desire. And I knew it was untamed, uncultivated. My friend says that he has never seen such a complex love story before in his love. She loves me, I love her more than anything or anyone in this god damned world, but she’s caged in this golden ring of the 3 diamonds.

 

When I was aching for you, you didn’t come!

When I wanted to get drunk with the emotions of your eyes, you didn’t come!

When I wanted you to make me bleed with the edge of your steely eyes, you didn’t come!

When I wanted you steal myself from me, you didn’t come!

And today, when you have come, I am already caged in a golden circle of 3 diamonds, fully drunk with the ocean of uncertainties, bleeding in white to get red after 2 months!

 

She wrote this for me. I had a lump in my throat. I couldn’t swallow it, however hard I tried. My tears have dried long back, but the heavens cried for me, it rained that night. I had this irresistible urge to lend some of heavens tears, I got drenched. I was happy, that I fell in love with her.

 

Every time I walk away from you, it rains!

Every time, I feel you, I see your hands shivering!

Every time I want to look into your eyes, I lose myself!

Every time I try to dream about you, I face the hard reality!

I see this impossible dream, which even the dream peddler fears to dream!

I don’t believe in love at first sight, and I don’t want it to happen to me all the people. But then you can never want anything in life. It happened to me; just happened. I always thought I would love this woman with all my happiness, all sorrows, with all my innocence. But somehow at the back of my mind I could never accept the fact that she has a fiancé with whom she will be tying the knot after some 60 odd days. I took 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I was completely in love, but never could give everything. Something held back. My conscience stopped me everything time I decided to take the plunge. I cried. My jaws ached, tears flooded my eyes, I had sleepless nights, but I dreamt of her, I couldn’t stop myself. I know this never has a future, but I was helpless. I don’t want to give this relationship a name; I just want to keep it close to my heart, never hurt it, and never delve into it too far, never to make her any source of pain for me. It was a promise she wanted me to do. I gave her my word. I gave her my heart. I gave her my life.

 

Today was a special day. I talked with my best friend about her. I was confused. I confused about if someone loves a person to loose them at the end. I don’t want her to walk away from me on the 24th of November. I hate November, I hate the 24th of every month and I hate time. Time is less for us. I feel like I will die after 24th November 2007. I asked her, “Do you think, that any girl can love me, more than you did?” She nodded, but I have my doubts. This love story ended before it began. We killed it, for a better future.

 

I am still talking to my angel eyes, as I continue to burn my keypad. We are talking of life and mirage. A life is just a mirage. It’s all an illusion, you burn at the thought of it, you feel so happy when you see the mirage and you walk, walk and walk to that mirage called life, until you die, you die of thirst.

 

Today is another milestone day. The final preparation for her marriage has been mailed to her. ‘life’ has arranged this destiny-defying knot tying ceremony for her even before she got a clue of it; she received a copy of the beautiful bluish card bearing an abstract picture of Ganesha. It was indeed beautiful. At least it seemed that way, to it when I looked at it, which I hardly did. We love someone, not to loose that person, but another point is love comes at a far lesser priority than responsibilities and liabilities. It’s tough to convince your own heart, but after all to go by your heart needs guts. I don’t know what lies beneath and after this, but its time to quit playing games with the heart. It’s an abrupt end.

 

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I’m sure.

 

 

 

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won’t lose no sleep on that,

‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

 

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

 

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

F*cking high,

And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

 

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

 

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it’s time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

 

-James Blunt in “you are beautiful”

 

Love sealed and delivered. Tears dried and forgotten. Life is beautiful for me as always. on 23rd november, we will move out, but i will miss so many things, except the pain. She says i was the miracle drug to her life. I gave her so many things, pains, happiness, dreams and a new life. She says that I have let her out of her cage, and let her feel alive again…

 

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This blog was written in association with Indiblogger and British Airways

 


About Dream Peddler

The author finds too many similarities with himself and the boy Calvin. Although a cold blooded techie, working with an Indian software MNC, the finer things of love and life fascinates him. Major portions of his work are about the things that inspires and pacifies. Politics and society too get a chance.

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